I wrote this just before I left in March. I am posting it now, so that others will know caregiving, like life has many different kinds of moments. None last very long. You just have to go with the flow.
This morning the sun shines gloriously after a hard rain. Surrounding me the world is bright green, and sparkling blue, with sun glinting on the delta from my son’s backyard. All seems right with the world. I will be on my way home in a few days; back to Utah and my mountains. The snow is gone from the streets and spring is peeking through, or so my husband says. These last few days I have really been homesick and it feels good to say that Utah is my home, an ambiguous phrase that I couldn’t say before I left a month ago.
Taking care of my Dad has been one of the most challenging experiences I have had in my life. I did the best I could, and I could not have done anything else. Whether the systems I have set up work remains to be seen. He has good, kind people caring for him in his home. They may not be able to meet his needs if he continues to get more combative and difficult to keep clean. Unfortunately another one of the evils of this disease is the patient is often his own worst enemy.
Before I cared for my Dad, I thought families who put loved ones with Alzheimer’s in institutions were somehow copping out. Now I know that each family makes their decision based on their own resources and abilities. For some it is an easier decision to make than others. I don’t know what my father was like right before the accident, I just know that caring for him has been really difficult. I cannot, however, excuse the treatment of turning people into vegetables, hoping they die quickly. I feel he was treated that way in the hospital: sedation, catheterization, tube feeding or no feeding. The will to live is given up very easily in those circumstances.
What the answer is, I don’t know. I feel a huge responsibility in leaving. I know when I get home I will worry about how he is getting on. On how both of my parents are coping. If the caregivers work out and can handle both of my parents? Will my mom be able to heal while still worrying about my father? I know I will be back soon, but I am not independently wealthy and I have a family and business to run in other places.
So yesterday among all of these conflicting feelings, and burdened by the enormity of everything, and the difficulties continually surfacing regarding my father’s care, I had a good, hard sobbing cry. And then I watched some tender movies and cried even more. Like this morning’s early rain I now feel cleansed, and I’m ready to continue forward doing the best I can, while trusting in a God who sees the whole situation and will someday answer all of my questions.
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