This is my mantra. I repeat it to myself each day. It helps me stay the course as a caregiver for my mother and my aunt, both of whom have dementia.
By Sheryl Lynn
Alzheimer's Reading Room
Several months ago, I asked three people to help me who are no longer in my life but live on in my heart. I'll call them Alex, Scott and Lennie. I was going through a difficult time mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. My ego put up a good fight before I sent the emails and made the phone call. I wouldn't have contacted them if I'd had other alternatives available. I didn't.
One was the only person to give me clarity on something important that would help my heart heal, which was important because the stronger I am emotionally, the better I can hold myself together and be fully present and loving with my mother and my aunt. The other two had professional expertise that would help me publicize and grow my work, which was important because I'm paying out a lot of money each month to care for my mother. I'd contacted others who do the same work to help. They didn't return my calls.
So I reached out to these three people. I spoke from my heart. I was as loving as I could be, and I was as clear as I could be that I was in need of help and I needed it now. I practiced what I would say and how my voice would sound before I made the phone call and before I sent the emails.
Two of the three never responded. The third sent an email that asked why I didn't contact one of the thousands of others who have similar professional expertise or who have useful contacts to help me.
Even though we were out of contact, I never expected that all three of them would do the same thing. I felt rejected, saddened, and angry. I wondered how it was I'd thought these people ever cared about me. I couldn't believe that none of them would come through for me during a time when I was more in need of assistance than I'd ever been before.
And then I snapped out of it. I returned to Dementia World. Dementia World is a place where hearts break in order to more fully open. Dementia World is a place where the past and future do not exist. All we have is this moment, and the more loving we are with each other, the more we can live authentic lives.
Dementia World is a place where we all learn the meaning of love.
I'd needed Alex to explain something to me for my heart to heal. I filled my heart with love for Alex. I felt sorry for him. His birth mother had given him up for adoption, and his adoptive mother was cruel to him and later cut off all contact with him. He'd never have the intensely loving experiences I still have with my mother. He couldn't understand how my heart was broken because he'd never learned how to fully open his own heart.
I'd needed Scott to help me grow my work. When I knew him, he had a job he hated. This highly creative man was trapped in a job that bored and tired him but allowed him to stay in this country. I found his website and saw that he'd reinvented himself as a creative professional. I cried when I viewed some of his videos. They were hauntingly beautiful. I felt the positive effects that marriage and family life had brought to his life. My heart opened up to him. I was so happy he'd found himself.
I'd needed Lennie to help me grow my work. When I knew him, he'd had a close relationship with only the youngest of his children. I somehow found a blog set up by his son and his wife. I saw photos that showed the difference that five years had made in their lives. They all seemed so happy! They were young, focused on doing the things that young people do. I cried when I saw the photo of Lennie balancing his toddler grandson on his lap while he was typing on his computer. He'd endured a horrific childhood and adolescence. As he entered his seventh decade, he'd found new family love with his children's children.
The old Sheryl, pre-caregiving, would have allowed her ego to stay in control, cultivating feelings of rejection far into the future. The new Sheryl, caregiving Sheryl, only wants to see love.
What else really matters?
Alex, Scott and Lennie will never experience the heartbreak that comes with caring for a loved one with dementia. I'm truly happy about that. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. On the other hand, Alex, Scott and Lennie will never experience the exquisite joy, the deep love, the indescribable connection that comes when the clouds part so that we can once more be with the person we've known all our lives.
I wish them all love, and I wish them all happiness.
No matter the experience, there is always a gift.
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Sheryl Lynn is the author of the upcoming book "The Light Is A Thank You," which chronicles the spiritual journey through dementia she has taken with her mother, Eleanor. She is the host of "Glow With The Flow Radio Show," currently on hiatus.
Original content the Alzheimer's Reading Room
