Our relationship was no longer strained by my inability to understand that in Alzheimer's World what the person who is deeply forgetful thinks to be true is true.
By Bob DeMarco
Alzheimer's Reading Room
Twenty times a day she would, "I'm hungry, I'm starving".
One time she even convinced her friends that I was starving her, and there was nothing in the house to eat.
These four friends got together and sent someone over to find out what was going on. As the ambassador of friends entered our home she asked, "why are you starving your mother"? I responded by asking, "what are you talking about"?
She said, your mother told us you aren't feeding her, and there is nothing in the house to eat. This turned out to be just the opening I wanted.
I then took her on a tour of our refrigerator, freezer, and food cabinets. Then I sarcastically asked, "does it look like I am starving her to you"? She answered, No.
On a side note, about three years later this friend finally realized my mother was living with Alzheimer's. This actually happened after Dotty told her she was still driving and still going to the store every day. She knew Dotty hadn't driven in four years.
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One time for Mother's Day I took my mother out to this big buffet at the country club. She ate everything in site. My eyes were actually bulging out of my head as she continued to eat and eat.
After we arrived home, Dotty took off her new Mother's Day outfit, and made herself a nice big bowl of cereal.
I said to her, "you can't possibly be hungry, you ate like a horse at the country club". She told me to "kiss her ass".
This went on for about 2 years.
Dotty would say, "I'm hungry, I'm starving." I would respond you can't possibly be hungry you just ate.
It got worse over time. Right after eating lunch or dinner, and with the dishes still in front of her Dotty would say, "I'm hungry, I'm starving". I would respond, look, you just ate, the dishes are still in front of you. I must admit Dotty was getting smarter in this encounter, she would then respond, "I don't care, I want something to eat".
Most of the above episodes led to miserable, rotten days. I would try to explain, you just ate. Or explain, you can't possibly be hungry. And then the argument would begin culminating with Dotty in her bedroom and me with a sore stomach and heartache.
Why couldn't I accept that if Dotty said she was hungry, she was hungry. What was wrong with me?
Finally I realized Dotty couldn't remember she just ate, and what ever it is that tells you your stomach is full, well that no longer worked in her body.
Finally I realized something had to change and that something was me. As part of this new process I started to accept that Dotty's reality was Dotty's reality; and, she was entitled to her own reality. I finally called this new place of reality Alzheimer's World.
It finally dawned on me that Dotty was deeply forgetful. The deep is way beyond forgetful. We reached the point where she couldn't remember the right now and the immediate thereafter.
Once I finally straightened out my own head, I started to respond with answers that Dotty could accept.
When she sang, I'm hunnnnnnnnngrrrrrrrrry. I would get near her, make sure she was looking at me, I would smile, and say good, we are going to eat in a little bit, I just want to finish what I am doing. This became acceptable. Dotty accepted this answer and all was well. Even if we had to do it a few times before it was finally became time to eat.
Until near the very end Dotty never stopped saying, I am hungry, I'm starving. However, years before the end we reached the point where we could manage the situation without ruining the day, month, or year.
Just so you know, for more than 4 years when asked what she had to eat that day Dotty would always respond, nothing.
In the last few years when asked the same question Dotty would ask me, what did I have to eat today? See Détente. She always had the same look on her face when I recounted her three meals and two to three snacks. She looked amazed. Puzzled too.
You see Dotty and I had finally reached the point best described by the word Détente. Once we reached our state of Détente things just got better and better and better.
Our relationship was no longer strained by my inability to understand that in Alzheimer's World what the person who is deeply forgetful thinks to be true is true.
No matter what your reality tells you is true, or no matter what your brain tells you to be true, the truth lies in Alzheimer's World.
It is not so very hard to accept this if you make it to Alzheimer's World. Life begins a new.
Having said the above, I am now sitting here laughing at myself. Why was I so hard headed? We're supposed to be the ONE's with the fully functioning brains.
My advice to you. Stop driving yourself crazy. Don't be like I was.
Détente the relaxation of strained relations or tensions (in this case between two people). The ability to reach the point of tacit understanding.
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Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room and an Alzheimer's caregiver. The ARR knowledge base contains more than 3,811 articles with more than 312,100 links on the Internet. Bob lives in Delray Beach, FL.
Original content Bob DeMarco, the Alzheimer's Reading Room
