How to get a person living with Alzheimer's or a related dementia to go to the doctor.
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Before I get into the details let me mention this. On average, I had to take my mother, Dotty, to the doctor an average of
27 times a year.
So I had no choice but to figure out how to do it.
In the beginning, I made the most common and typical mistakes. I tried to explain over and over why she had to go to the doctor.
We made the doctor appointment and we have to go, I would say. Mom responded - there is nothing wrong with me, I don't need to go to the doctor. Followed by the keyword No.
You are sick and we have to find out what is wrong, I would say. Mom responded - there is nothing wrong with me I am a healthy old broad. Along with the key word No. I can laugh now, but not back in the period of greatest burden.
Its time for your check up and B12 shot, I would say. Mom responded - I don't need a B12 shot, and then a few choice mild curse words and then, No.
Finally, I learned that the more I tried to explain the more frustrated I became. Like me, most Alzheimer's care partners know exactly what I mean, and how I felt
In addition, I learned that the harder I tried to convince my mom to do just about anything
the more frustrated, sometimes mean, and more recalcitrant my mom became.
She would dig in her heals.
Does this, or did this every happen to you?
Finally, I realized and accepted that what I was doing was not working and
it was never going to work.
When it was time to go to the doctor my mother never said, not once, okay. That is how I finally realized what I was doing was never going to work.
Eventually I came upon a new strategy.
Long before it was time to go to the doctor, the day before if it was a scheduled appointment, or early on the day of the appointment, I would start preparing my mother mentally.
I would say to Dotty as I put my arm around her and gave her a little hug - we are going to the doctor tomorrow. Dotty of course would say, I'm not going. I would smile and usually laugh, and keep my mouth shut.
So I began by using large doses of positive reinforcement -- by giving the hug, and associating that with the big negative words in the sky - doctor's appointment. Thereby turning the negative into a positive through high quality nonverbal communication.
When we neared the time of the appointment I would gently lead my mother to the shower. Of course that is an entirely different issue fraught with peril for the care partner. Read this article by Carole Larkin - How to Get An Alzheimer's Patient to Take a Bath.
Me on my oh me. As I think back on this problem I realize it took me over 2 years how to figure out the solution.
Next up, and when it came time to head out the door, I became a guide. Instead of talking, I put my arm around my mother, added the squeeze (hug), and said, come on we are going out. She would usually respond, where are we going?
By that time, I had her up with her hand in my hand, and we were heading to, or out the door. Be a guide.
At this point I would say, after the appointment we are going out to breakfast (or lunch, or to get ice cream). Whatever would work best in any given situation. This is called persuasion by the way.
What is the art of persuasion when it comes to a person living with dementia who is already deeply forgetful?
Well, if you are getting into a debate with an Alzheimer's patient you may as well bang your head against the wall; but, you already know this don't you?
If you are trying to convince a person who is deeply forgetful by stating all the reasons in a bullet point fashion like you are trying to convince them that a trip to the doctor is good and necessary,
Bang you head against the wall.
It is easier and simpler.
Don't feel bad. I was constantly banging my head against the wall for years before it finally dawned on me that my communication strategy was flawed and would never work.
- Use as few words as possible. Don't make it a contest.
- Learn now to use nonverbal communication (hugs, smiles and laughs) as your go to communication persuasion tool.
- Be a guide, not a parent.
- Don't bang you head against the wall.
Amazingly, that is the key to success. Change. You change. Develop a new set of communication skills. And, new communication tactics.
Take a look at, or review, these articles to sharpen up your Alzheimer's care partner skills.
Feel free to share your insights, advice, and tips below in the comments section.
You just might have a good idea that helps a frustrated care partner get all those lumps off their head.
Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room (ARR). Bob lives in Delray Beach, FL.Original content the Alzheimer's Reading Room