May 21, 2010

Alzheimer's Trying To Drag Me Into the Darkness Once Again

Once again, Alzheimer's is trying to drag me into the darkness. Alzheimer's wants to claim me as a -- Victim...

Alzheimer's Reading Room

Bob DeMarco
Right now I am undergoing a new and different experience as an Alzheimer's caregiver.

One half of my brain keeps telling me -- its your fault.

Part of my brain keeps trying to convince me that if I had done something different, my mother wouldn't be in the dire circumstance she is right now.

My mother can barely walk, she won't eat, and she won't drink.

Part of my brain is blaming me. My brain is trying to convince me to blame myself. That part of my brain wants me to admit that I did something wrong, that I made bad decisions, that if I had done things differently we wouldn't be where we are today.

Alzheimer's is coming for me again. Not the Alzheimer's in my mother. The sinister side of Alzheimer's that tries over and over to drag the Alzheimer's caregiver into the darkness.

I stood on the edge of this big black hole before. I know how awful it feels. I looked over into the darkness. I saw the sinister side of Alzheimer's from my own individual perspective. Each time I sent the sinister side of Alzheimer's packing -- away. I know from experience it is not easy to do. Each time, I learned how to do it.

Fortunately, the other side of my brain, the more rational side, is telling me something very different. It is telling that I left no stone unturned. It is telling me that I gave a considerable amount of thought to every decision I made. And, in every case I made the best possible decision I could at the time. I made the best decision I could based on what I knew and what I had learned.

Alzheimer's caregiving is not a science. It is an art.

I know I am not the first Alzheimer's caregiver that found themselves in this kind of an emotional state. In fact, it is probably pretty common.

It is always easy as an Alzheimer's caregiver to assign blame. Blame Alzheimer's. Blame yourself. Blame the patient. Fortunately, I have been able to avoid and dismiss the blame every step of the way. I know I did the best I could under very trying circumstances.

Until yesterday I never had an experience like I am having right now.

Frankly, I am surprised part of me is trying to blame me. To second guess myself. To admit or tell myself, if only I had done something differently we wouldn't be here. We wouldn't be where we are today.

So far the other part of my brain remains rationale. It is telling the negative part of my brain, the evil sinister side of my brain, to get out of here. To take those negative thoughts and to get out of my head.

Once again, Alzheimer's is trying to drag me into the darkness. Alzheimer's wants to claim me as a -- Victim. It won't happen.

Right now, I'll take strength from all the other caregivers in the world. I'll take strength from all the wonderful people on this blog.

We are not victims of Alzheimer's disease. We won't become victims at any point in the future.

Take that Alzheimer's.

My name is Bob DeMarco, I am an Alzheimer's caregiver. My mother Dorothy, now 93 years old, suffers from Alzheimer's disease.

One day at a time.

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Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room and an Alzheimer's caregiver. The blog contains more than 4,600 articles with more than 351,100 links on the Internet. Bob resides in Delray Beach, FL.

Original content Bob DeMarco, the Alzheimer's Reading Room