May 10, 2012

It Was a Rough Night for Dotty , Me Too

I told a few people back in January when Dotty started sticking her head into my chest in the morning, I think Dotty has completed her mission on earth. She just seemed very content and loving.

By Bob DeMarco
Alzheimer's Reading Room

It was a rough night for sure. Dotty kept waking up. At times Dotty would start saying, Bobby Bobby Bobby. I'm right her mom. Every time she said okay, and relaxed. We have dim light so Dotty can see me. That Dotty can see like a hawk.

Dotty is sleeping in a hospital bed, and I am sleeping in a bed right next to her. Deja Vu of sorts.

Last time around, my father Frank (Franny) was in the hospital bed, and Dotty was the one sleeping in the bed next to him.

Same room, same bed, different hospital bed.

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I want to make something clear. Please accept that these are my thoughts and my feelings.

I have no fear. The only fear I would have is if Dotty is in a lot of pain. So far she isn't.

I am not dreading this now, and I have never felt a feeling of dread along this long long road from burden to joy.

I spent a long time thinking about this time. I can remember back at the beginning wondering how I might be feeling when Dotty didn't know me any more. I didn't like those thoughts. Right now, Dotty still knows me.

This came on fast. Last Friday night Dotty was eating a Philly cheese steak, now she can't eat. Just like that.

I can say I am surprised this happened so fast. Doesn't matter. I said what I have to say to Dotty, and I am not caught off guard.

I don't fear death, and neither does Dotty. I believe in life after death. So does Dotty.

I view death as a completion of our mission on earth. I do wonder what the next life might be like.

I told a few people back in January when Dotty started sticking her head into my chest in the morning, I think Dotty has completed her mission on earth. She just seemed very content and loving. I think she is ready to go. I'll write more about this at another time.

Now I know its not my job to tell you how to think and feel. But I would prefer that you feel happy for us. Think about how wonderful it became for Dotty and me.

I know this will be very difficult for those that don't know us well to understand, but the last year and a half have been a happy time. Dotty has been getting sweeter and sweeter ever since, well, ever since I started writing for real in the Alzheimer's Reading Room. 2008.

I don't think it is an accident. All along the way I had to assess my own thoughts and feelings while writing. When the going got rough you were there for me every time. You made me a better caregiver.

Carol Larkin says I am an anomaly. Well I'm not the only one (wink).

There are a lot of tears in my eyes all morning. I'm not sad. It is just the emotion pouring out of me. I expect this emotion to be pouring out of me for a long long time. Oddly, it feels good, or maybe like yin and yang.

I'll be writing about this also.

I consider the last 8 and a half years to be a slice of my life. An important slice. The most important slice so far. But the other slices prepared me for this slice.

I'm not exactly sure where I will be going next. I'll figure that out after an appropriate amount of mourning.

It is my intention to continue writing every day, if I can.

I am remembering that after Franny died it took about a month to hit me hard. I felt lethargic for a while.

I did dream about Franny quite a bit in the years after his death. Not so much anymore. I do think about him. Right now, I am thinking about him a lot.

I hope I dream about Dotty. I'm looking forward to those dreams. Maybe I'll dream about Dotty and Franny at the some time.

The tears are still coming out my eyes. More than I might have imagined.

The last 8 plus years have been very different that I could have ever imagined.

I imagine I'll be telling our story quite a bit in the future.

Thanks for being here for us.

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Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room and an Alzheimer's caregiver. The blog contains more than 3,511 articles with more than 297,100 links on the Internet. Bob lives in Delray Beach, FL.

Original content Bob DeMarco, the Alzheimer's Reading Room