Aug 12, 2012

Thank You

Once I reduced the confusion down, I was left with one overwhelming emotion -- sadness.

By Bob DeMarco

Thank You
Today is my birthday. To be honest, if not for the fact that I am receiving so many emails, and notes from Facebook, I would not have mentioned it.

Thanks to each and every one of you. I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.

Needless to say, this is starting as a very difficult day for me.

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My mother, Dotty, went to Heaven on May 25, 2012. This is the first birthday of my life without her.

When I woke up I felt kinda dull. Then I turned on the computer and saw all the emails. To be honest, they have been coming in for a week, so I have been reminded often that this day was coming.

Once on the computer, I was overcome with a tremendous wave of emotions. These feeling were difficult to sort out. So many emotions.

I tried to sort out these feelings by pacing, and thinking through each emotion. By labeling each feeling and sorting them out.

Once I reduced the confusion down, I was left with one overwhelming emotion -- sadness.

The flood gates opened and ever since them I am taking lots of deep breaths, and doing a lot of pacing. This is what I do.

I don't mind being sad. I suppose you could say, I am glad I am feeling the emotions. On the other hand, I don't like admitting I am sad. Not because I am trying to hide anything, just because I don't like to operate on the darker side.

Today, I will deal with each and every emotions. I am not afraid to think and feel. We will see by the end of the day how I am feeling. Sadness or Joy?

After all Dotty did fill me up with Joy.

As I thought of Dotty and missed her, all kinds of things started flowing through my mind. All over the place.

I realize I won't be receiving a shirt from Dotty today. Dotty had good taste in clothing. She always managed to find and gift me a beautiful shirt that would make other people would say, "I really like that shirt", whenever they saw me wearing it. Sometimes it looked so good, they would actually reach out and touch it.

It always made me feel happy to say, my mom bought this shirt for me.

The mind.

I flashed back to my sixteenth birthday. My father, mother, brother, and sister managed to throw me a surprise 16th birthday party. No one told me ahead of time, not even my sixteen year old friends. I still don't know how they did it. Someone always spills the beans.

They did get a friend of my brothers, Eddie, to take me out to play golf. He kept refusing to bring me home. Lets play around round, lets practice putting. I kept telling him, I have to get home, its my birthday. He finally took me home after six hours, after 7 PM, and there they all were.

I could write on and on here.

Several people wanted to take me out today, or to do something for my birthday. I told all of them, no thank you.

Today, I am not exactly sure what I am going to do. However, I am going to exercise and get out into the bright light. I learned how that can turn you positive from Dotty.

I might go somewhere, I might not.

I will think, I will feel, and I will stop crying.

One by one, I'll call up all the good stuff, all the good memories in my mind. I'll think about all the good things I did with Dotty, and all the wild and crazy things Dotty did from time to time to make me laugh.

By the end of the day, I'll be happy and smiling. I believe this is what Dotty would want.

Well, we will just have to wait and see won't we?

Bob DeMarco is the Founder of the Alzheimer's Reading Room and an Alzheimer's caregiver. The ARR knowledge base contains more than 3,811 articles with more than 312,100 links on the Internet. Bob lives in Delray Beach, FL.

Original content Bob DeMarco, the Alzheimer's Reading Room